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Unit 3 Writing concisely

Learning outcomes

By the end of this unit you should:

  • know the two types of verbosity: redundancy and repetition
  • be able to identify verbose expressions
  • have practised writing concisely
Rubik

Activity 1: Repetition

Read.

Concise writing does not include an words that do not add to the meaning. Writing concisely is a skill that requires practice. The first step is to understand the two main causes of verbosity.

Repetition is a common feature in all languages. Consider a simple introduction: I am Tommy. I am a student in the Universiy of Aizu. I am currently in year 2.. As a spoken introduction, this is just fine. However, in writing, we need to reduce the repetition. See how this can be achieved.

  1. I am Tommy. I am a student in the University of Aizu. I am currently in year 2. [ rewrite as one sentence ]
  2. I am Tommy, I am a student in the University of Aizu, and I am currently in year 2. [ identify repeated subjects and verbs ]
  3. I am Tommy, I am a student in the University of Aizu, and I am currently in year 2. [ remove repeated subjects and verbs ]
  4. I am Tommy, a student in the University of Aizu, and currently in year 2. [ identify expressions that could be shortened ]
  5. I am Tommy, a student in the University of Aizu, and currently in year 2. [ rewrite as attributive adjective ]
  6. I am Tommy, a second-year student in the University of Aizu.
  7. I am Tommy, a sophomore in the University of Aizu.

The original spoken version comprised three sentences and 18 words while the concise written version comprises one sentence with 10 words. With almost half the number of words, the same meaning can be expressed.

Activity 2: Redundancy

Redundancy is also a common feature in all languages. Redundancy is useful in spoken languages as it reduces the pressure on the listener to intently listen to every word. Let's consider a verbose email to see how redundancy can be addressed.

Original verbose email

It has recently been brought to the attention of management that some members of staff have been arriving at the university at 9:20 in the morning, while others have been arriving as late as 9:30 or even later. Each and every member of our staff should be reminded that they are definitely bound by university regulations to arrive at the university campus in a timely fashion, which means exactly at 9 o'clock in the morning.

Areas to improve

[1] It has recently been brought to the attention of management that some [2] members of staff have been arriving at the university [3] at 9:20 in the morning, while others have been arriving as late as 9:30 or even later.[4] Each and every member of our staff should [5] be reminded that they are [6] definitely bound by university regulations to arrive at [7] the university campus [8] in a timely fashion, which means exactly at [9] 9 o'clock in the morning.

Explanation

  1. There is no need to use passive voice. Where possible avoid using passive voice by selecting alternative words. Sentences using passive voice tend to be longer and more difficult to understand.
  2. Employees is one word, while members of staff is three. Try to choose shorter easier words where possible.
  3. There is no need to mention this time as 9.30 is also mentioned.
  4. The words and every do not add to the meaning and are redundant.
  5. We can avoid using passive voice by using a different verb: remember. This saves one word. For example:
    • Please remember to submit your work. - Active voice
    • Please be reminded to submit your work. - Passive voice
  6. Verbose. There are too many words.
  7. The university campus is correct, but we can refer to a place of work simply as work. For example:
    • I am going to work. [work (noun)]
    • I am going to school.
  8. Verbose.
  9. In written English, we tend to write time numerically and use either a.m. or p.m to show the period of the day rather than writing in the morning or in the afternoon, etc.

Revised concise email

We have recently noticed that some employees have been arriving at university as late as 9:30 am. All staff should remember that they are required to arrive at work on time at 9:00 am.

Activity 3: Identifying verbose expressions

Work in pairs. Identify how to make the following sentences more concise by reducing repetition and redundancy.

  1. Dr Smith will arrive at 10.00 am. Dr Jones will also arrive at 10.00 am.
  2. As I am sure that you know, the vending machine is out of service.
  3. Please be advised that the programme will be launched later in mid-October this year.
  4. Would you please come to fix my computer next Friday that is Friday 28 August?
  5. I will bring the above-mentioned device to your office.

Activity 4: Rewriting

Rewrite more a concise version for each of the sentences in Activity 3.

Activity 5: Explanation of revisions

The following explanations describe how the sentences in Activity 3 can be improved to reduce verbosity.

Read the explanation. Check whether the explanation applies to your version, and then reveal the model answer. Remember there are many ways to improve the sentences, so you answer does not need to be exactly the same.

Dr Smith and Dr Jones will arrive at 10.00 am.

The vending machine is out of service.

We will launch the programme in mid-August this year.

Would you please come to fix my computer on Friday 28 August?

I will bring it to your office.

OR

I will bring the device to your office.

Activity 6: Revising a verbose email

A supervisor has had problems with student behaviour in his lab and so needs to email his lab students.

Read the email and then work in pairs or groups to write a concise easy-to-understand email containing the same information

Original verbose email

It has come to my attention that some students (but not all) are treating our lab as their own room. This must stop. This is a list of some of the incidents reported to me. I expect your cooperation.

  • Recemtly, few students are using the in/out magnets to show they are in the lab. This is problematic. Usage of a lab is a privilege not a right.
  • Although alcohol consumption is already prohibited in the university campus, we have found empty beer cans on multiple occasions on the desks in lab. Two points - please do not drink in the lab and put your rubbish in the bin yourself.
  • The lab is a workplace, not a bedroom. Therefore, you are not free to bring a futon, work in your pyjamas and then sleep in the lab.

Activity 7: Comparison of verbose and concise emails

Compare your version with this model answer.

All students entering the lab must:

  • wear appropriate clothing, i.e. no pyjamas.
  • indicate their presence with the in/out magnet on the lab door.
  • tidy up after themselves.
  • NOT drink alcohol.
  • NOT sleep overnight.

Check the commentary for explanations of the changes made.

Many improvements were made to the email. These include:

  1. Using the same grammatical subject for each bullet point item
  2. Using five bullet points since there are five behaviour changes.
  3. Starting each bullet point with a verb (or NOT verb).
  4. Placing the NOT verbs together.
  5. Arranging the bullet points in a logical (e.g. chronological) sequence.
  6. Removing non-essential opinions and descriptions.
  7. Placing the NOT verbs together.

The revised version comprises 33 words compared to the original 136 words. Approximately 75% of the words have been removed!

Review

Can you identify:

  1. repeated expressions?
  2. redundant expresssions?

If you cannot, you should work on this.