By the end of this unit you should:
Read.
Concise writing does not include an words that do not add to the meaning. Writing concisely is a skill that requires practice. The first step is to understand the two main causes of verbosity.
Repetition is a common feature in all languages. Consider a simple introduction: I am Tommy. I am a student in the Universiy of Aizu. I am currently in year 2.. As a spoken introduction, this is just fine. However, in writing, we need to reduce the repetition. See how this can be achieved.
The original spoken version comprised three sentences and 18 words while the concise written version comprises one sentence with 10 words. With almost half the number of words, the same meaning can be expressed.
Redundancy is also a common feature in all languages. Redundancy is useful in spoken languages as it reduces the pressure on the listener to intently listen to every word. Let's consider a verbose email to see how redundancy can be addressed.
Original verbose email
It has recently been brought to the attention of management that some members of staff have been arriving at the university at 9:20 in the morning, while others have been arriving as late as 9:30 or even later. Each and every member of our staff should be reminded that they are definitely bound by university regulations to arrive at the university campus in a timely fashion, which means exactly at 9 o'clock in the morning.
Areas to improve
[1] It has recently been brought to the attention of management that some [2] members of staff have been arriving at the university [3] at 9:20 in the morning, while others have been arriving as late as 9:30 or even later.[4] Each and every member of our staff should [5] be reminded that they are [6] definitely bound by university regulations to arrive at [7] the university campus [8] in a timely fashion, which means exactly at [9] 9 o'clock in the morning.
Explanation
Revised concise email
We have recently noticed that some employees have been arriving at university as late as 9:30 am. All staff should remember that they are required to arrive at work on time at 9:00 am.
Work in pairs. Identify how to make the following sentences more concise by reducing repetition and redundancy.
Rewrite more a concise version for each of the sentences in Activity 3.
The following explanations describe how the sentences in Activity 3 can be improved to reduce verbosity.
Read the explanation. Check whether the explanation applies to your version, and then reveal the model answer. Remember there are many ways to improve the sentences, so you answer does not need to be exactly the same.
Dr Smith and Dr Jones will arrive at 10.00 am.
The vending machine is out of service.
We will launch the programme in mid-August this year.
Would you please come to fix my computer on Friday 28 August?
I will bring it to your office.
ORI will bring the device to your office.
A supervisor has had problems with student behaviour in his lab and so needs to email his lab students.
Read the email and then work in pairs or groups to write a concise easy-to-understand email containing the same information
Original verbose email
It has come to my attention that some students (but not all) are treating our lab as their own room. This must stop. This is a list of some of the incidents reported to me. I expect your cooperation.
Compare your version with this model answer.
All students entering the lab must:
Check the commentary for explanations of the changes made.
Many improvements were made to the email. These include:
The revised version comprises 33 words compared to the original 136 words. Approximately 75% of the words have been removed!
Can you identify:
If you cannot, you should work on this.